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Book of Fermentations
Chapter One            Chapter Two            Chapter Three 


Chapter One 
  1. In the beginning there was the grain and the grape and the gods saw that they were good, but could be better.
  2. So they said let there be yeast so that fermentation can arise.
  3. And that was the first day.
  4. They saw the yeast and behold it was good.
  5. The yeast and the grain were once two but were made one to form the alcohol.
  6. And thus ended the second day.
  7. But the yeast was fickle and forsook the grain to visit its love upon the grape.
  8. Behold once again there was alcohol.
  9. And a third day was completed within the cosmos.
  10. The gods looked upon their creation and were pleased but they wanted the product of fermentation for themselves so they withheld their creation from the mortals upon the face of the earth.
  11. The gods were happy and decided to party and they partied for three days straight and there was much mirth and merriment among the gods, but the people of earth were angry at the noise and did heartily complain, but the gods heeded not their complaints.
  12. On the seventh day the gods did rest because they were very tired.
  13. When the mortals heard they partying had stopped they snuck into the abode of the gods and stole the yeast and the secret of fermentation in order to stop the gods from partying and so they could have their own party.
  14. When they gods awoke from their slumber they were sorely vexed at what mankind had done and cursed them.
  15. Thou shalt suffer the fickleness of yeast and it will not bring forth its full strength and fermentation shall bring about the sour taste if not done in perfection.
  16. Thou shalt suffer from the imbibing of the fruit of fermentation and shall be cursed with the spins and must pray at the altar when you avail yourself of too much of the spirit of fermentation.
  17. Thou shalt make laws to control the making , distribution and imbibing of the fruit of fermentation.
  18. Thou shalt lose control of your emotions and become like a wild beast when you imbibe of the products of fermentation.
  19. The spirit of fermentation shall be fickle for you and make you happy, mad, and sad without foreknowledge of how it will make you feel.



Chapter Two
  1. The people of the world did become drunk and gloried in the wonders of fermentation.
  2. They neglected the things of the world and became slothful.
  3. The gods were not pleased with the people and sent a messenger to warn them of the evil of their ways.
  4. Mankind heeded not the messenger and carried on in their wicked ways.
  5. So the gods decided to flood the world and start over with a new creation.
  6. For many days it did rain until the earth was flooded and the gods thought that the plague of alcohol upon man was ended.
  7. But one man and woman did survive the great flood by floating in a wine barrel and surviving on the fruit of fermentation until the waters did recede.
  8. The gods promised this couple that never again would they try to destroy the world with the flood waters, but warned them once again of the dangers of the products of fermentation.
  9. The gods said unto this first couple to be fruitful and multiply upon the face of the earth, and give respect and honor to the responsibility of fermentation.
  10. This couple did heed the warning of the gods and did respect the fermentation, but their children's children forsook the warnings of their parents and did thus abuse the spirit of fermentation.
  11. Once again the gods were angered but remembered their pledge to the couple that survived their flood of anger and did withhold their wrath.
  12. Together the gods gathered and sent a prophet to the people of the earth.
  13. This prophet warned the people of the wrath of the gods and the people began to worship the gods with fervor and devotion when they heard that the gods could offer blessings as well as curses.
  14. The prophet did teach the people of the world how to make many types of products from the spirit of fermentation.
  15. He did teach them about beer and ale, about the whiskey and the vodka, also he did teach them of wine and champagne.
  16. He brought many good things to the people of the earth and taught them how to honor the gods.
  17. This prophet became gloried and loved and was called Saint Jack of Daniels.



Chapter Three
  1. Once again the people did spread across the face of the earth and change their ways.
  2. Some people did renounce the spirit of fermentation and the gods.
  3. But many did love and honor the gods and the spirit of fermentation for theirs is the way to happiness.
  4. The spirit of fermentation did move amongst the people and spread much joy and happiness.
  5. But some were made angry and unhappy by the spirit showing their unworthiness to be initiated into the church of the empty bottle.
  6. Across the face of the earth many places did begin to manufacture many types of alcohol and they were called by the names of distilleries and breweries.
  7. All over the world temples sprang up to honor the gods who gave us the spirit of fermentation and they were called by many names.
  8. They were called bars, and clubs, and liqour stores and convenience stores.
  9. The worship of the gods and the spirit of fermentation spread allover the world, but some became too enamored of the spirit of fermentation and were called alcoholics.
  10. These alchoholics did not respect the spirit of fermentation and its gifts and were shunned if they did not repent of their wicked ways.
  11. The spirit of fermentation did affect manny people and spread its glories across the world unto all the peoples.
  12. Many did worship at the temples and at their homes.
  13. And we must all respect the spirit of fermentation for it can be fickle.
  14. It can bless us with good tidings or curse us with angry fires.
  15. For the empty bottle is a sign of good thinthat can be turned to evil purposes if abused or mistreated.
  16. The spirit of fermentation is the way and the truth and the bringer of hope and good cheer.
  17. And thus sayeth the Porcelain God, the Goddess of Spins, the Lord of the Six Pack, and the Lady of the False ID.